Apathy: Givens Part 4
I exist without a total love or commitment to anything. Part of this is to my shame, but the condition seems almost unavoidable to me. If I were to identify one thing that comes closest to earning my total commitment, I would say Truth. Coincidentally, Jesus states in John 14:6, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life.” So by corollary, I possess a nearly total commitment to Jesus Christ, provided the Bible is accurate, which I believe it is. Yet my past is wrought with failures, and I would venture to say that most of them are due to apathy. My definition of apathy is encapsulated in the opening sentence of this paragraph—it is a lack of total commitment to something, which leads to an often severe lack of motivation. Or I could say the process of motivating myself seems to require intense mental effort most of the time. Perhaps part of this is the result of my aforementioned failures debilitating my desire to press on, but I think most of my apathy is a byproduct of my tendency to analyze every aspect of my reality to an extreme degree. Once I do that, I question the need to pursue a given task with more than a certain amount of fervor, which leads to my attempts to coerce myself with seemingly flimsy logic. A general outcome of this frame of mind is a realization that I can never hope to pursue any undertaking without being sidetracked by that all-encompassing question, “Why?” In fact, I have learned that my chief desire in life seems to be asking why. I know that living a practical life has practical advantages. Accepting cultural norms and conforming to society’s tenets does not necessarily make one ignorant, but that can never be my way. I wish on certain occasions that it could be, but as soon as I think this way, my entire being is repulsed—I simply do not have this ability to conform without asking why.
Let me attempt to paint my apathy pragmatically, as it expresses itself in two ways. One is noticing how much fulfillment others seem to get out of what I consider mundane achievements, such as attaining a certain level of skill at some endeavor, be it sports, music, math, reading, writing, computer programming, or whatever else. One’s own enthusiasm with these undertakings is not necessarily the problem. The problem occurs when others lavish praise and attention on these achievements as if they are remotely deserving of this level of adoration, thereby enforcing the original “achiever’s” own sense of the importance of his accomplishment. This phenomenon expresses itself in a variety of ways—top 10 lists, award ceremonies, newspaper articles, and even simply the almost worshipful attention of peers. So you may accuse me of endorsing the other extreme, which asserts that we are all dust and nothing matters. That is definitely far from the truth. The issue is that the things that matter to me seem to be things that interest hardly anyone else—the things that matter to me are the answers to questions beginning with “Why?”
I find myself unable to clarify this satisfactorily, which could normally lead to more apathy, but I press on. Let me attempt to highlight another practical example drawing from personal experience. I have attended two colleges: one is a private secular university in St. Louis which is comprised of over 60% Jewish students, and while many of the students are fairly smart, the school clearly endorses standard collegiate “wild” behavior by turning a blind eye to rampant drug and alcohol consumption. Here my apathy was towards this lifestyle which seems to enrapture so many students, the lifestyle we are supposed to accept with glee because MTV tells us to be cool like that. The sad fact is that if enough people buy into the lifestyle, they will see no reason ever to abandon the pursuit thereof. My attempts to reason with them would almost certainly fail, and any success would depend entirely on their current mood (a topic I elaborated on in my first blog entry). This leads me to distance myself and analyze the world from the “outside,” a place I have inhabited for as long as I remember—sort of. I have a weird ability to connect with people because of my honesty, but I never ultimately feel as if I am “one of them,” because I am too far involved on the outside at this point, and most seem pretty settled on the inside.
To continue my illustration, the other college I have attended (of which I am a current student as of this writing) is Bob Jones University, which is regarded as the premier fundamental Christian school in the world. Its rules are fairly well-documented, so I will not elaborate on them. I can say that my apathetic tendencies have surfaced here too, yet I feel certain I am learning much about life and being made to think critically because of the school’s peculiarities. I really would rather not go into specifics right now about problems I have noticed, mainly because I am tired right now (exhaustion being a primary contributor to apathy). But I do detect that students with certain dispositions and demeanors are often automatically marginalized. Perhaps some deserve this, and perhaps some desire this, but certain people with these characteristics can assuredly be identified as “analysts” such as me. We simply cannot assume the role expected of any given student without consistently asking some questions internally. I cannot sing every hymn with fervor. I cannot greet everyone with a smile. I cannot induce routine into my life too heavily, especially in the areas of prayer and Bible reading, lest my religion become formulaic. Preachers speak of times of revival being greatly desired. This is true, but those times must be thoroughly genuine, and moreover must necessarily be preceded by times of trouble and perhaps spiritual detachment. We all know the generally right things to do—our means of doing them will be undertaken with varying amounts of enthusiasm depending on our current spiritual condition (or mood, if you will). Of course we have the power to exercise control with our mind and our will, but sometimes even these cannot completely overcome a phase of intense introspection, depression, or impractical creativity. Bob Jones is trying to instill a certain level of self-discipline in its students, which is certainly not a bad thing, but in the process the school should be careful never to stifle an individual’s desire to question everything they are told every step of the way. And perhaps the student has an even greater responsibility not to ask questions in a cynical fashion that predetermines the answer. Being truly open-minded is a chief goal of analyzing reality—acknowledging my limits and weaknesses while communicating my thoughts and feelings with clarity is the paramount challenge.
All of this is merely an expression of my hope that others will know why I am apathetic towards many things. The world around us is so wonderful yet so complex, full of order yet riddled with unanswered questions. In the months ahead, I want to explore several aspects of Christian thought regarding the world and provide my honest appraisal of widely accepted ideas. My next few essays will probably focus on general theological beliefs that are continuously debated in our world. Scripture citations will probably be scarce as I provide more impressionistic responses. After I cover some of these main points of theology, I will probably then delve into something closer to biblical commentary, as I select verses that interest me during my Bible reading and share my thoughts on them. Remember, everything is open to analysis, including the extent of inspiration of the Bible itself, yet I will treat it with the highest respect, since I still consider it the most valuable source of truth in existence.