Freeform: Givens Part 2
For this whole experiment to work as planned, I will insist on adopting a freeform style. This basically means that I may not follow any outlines I throw out prematurely, though I will try. It mainly allows me to write as much or as little as I feel I am able about any given topic, and to do so in whatever order I decide at the moment of composition. I can guarantee that my surveys will not be as exhaustive as they would need to be if I were writing this for a more serious purpose than my own record-keeping and amusement.
With that out of the way, I want to clarify a little more about the previous given: mood swings. The entire point of it is merely a recognition that not everyone digests a written work as the author might hope. So much of how we as human beings react to anything is significantly affected by our current moods, and so one would need to be in a certain mood even to read my ramblings, much less to glean anything worthwhile from them.
With these two things established, allow me to illustrate a mood swing that occurred today. Over the years I have managed to discover a few music artists who are dramatically different than those with whom most are familiar. One such group is Plaid, and their CDs have an uncanny ability to lift my spirits. Today was no exception, as two tracks in particular—“Gel Lab” and “Air Locked”—thoroughly purged the day’s frustrations. I remarked in an essay I wrote years ago that music is by far the most effective conduit to the “spiritual realm” that exists in our reality. I suppose I should define “spiritual realm,” but I consider it to approximate a connection with truths that cannot be vocalized. This phenomenon of music can have positive or negative effects on our emotions, so it demands a certain level of caution, but few experiences surpass that of a piece of music carrying your mind and mood to higher levels of awareness. I suppose this can be a contributing factor towards apathy, one of the two remaining “givens” I will cover. The other given is what I call the leeway principle. Both will be discussed in the near future (if the freeform principle cooperates).
So what was the mood I needed to be rescued from today? A certain shade of frustration will occasionally settle itself into my mind—frustration borne from the fact that the most daunting task in my life is destined to be that of establishing a relationship with a woman that reaches girlfriend status. No matter how many dates I manage to go on, none of them seem to lead anywhere truly promising. To witness the ease with which others achieve this type of relationship frankly arouses a substantial feeling of bitterness and detachment within me from time to time. I apologize for venturing into “personal” territory here, because in a certain sense, no one cares about the love lives of others—indeed I don’t think one should care about others’ endeavors in this area. But few could deny just how much of an impact this “search” has on someone, especially when it consistently fails to achieve the highest level of success. So many factors enter into the equation that I won’t bother discussing them, but suffice to say I have always felt like an outsider in this world ultimately. I consider several people to be friends, but I have always perceived that I am someone with whom people like to hang out, yet not with whom others desire to become close friends. Perhaps much of that is my fault—I spend an ample amount of time lost in my own thoughts. But I cannot state with confidence whether this is a cause or a symptom of my alienation. In a myriad of ways our society is based on specialization, even regarding personality types, and I believe my inability to fit nicely into any established categories has hurt me in the area of forming lasting relationships. The only action I can confidently take is praying to God about it. I know he is fully aware of my internal struggles with this matter. I am unconventional almost to a fault. I honestly don’t yearn to be different due to personal pride or smugness. Many times I have wished to experience life without the constant analysis I conduct in every functioning quarter of my mind. That is my blessing and curse. I realize that finding a girlfriend is the type of thing that depends heavily on timing and much less on my own initiative. I don’t even find that lack of control to be the frustrating aspect. I simply rue the fact that this magical convergence of time and circumstance has not occurred before my 27th birthday. And I tend to have awful thoughts that this event would even lose all of its sense of fulfillment were it to be delayed too much longer. I would be left only with a sense of simplistic relief rather than a true feeling of joy. Should I entertain such thoughts? Only by allowing my mind to travel down this road do I properly flee from its end with haste.